All character's biographies are listed chronologically on this page.

Main Cast

• 
  Joe
• 
  Jake
• 
  Goonie
• 
  Goad
• 
  Edelbrock

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Supporting Cast

• Señor Remake
• Jesus
• Officer Legal
• Fake Jake
• Corey Feldman
• Tophat
• Jellybean
• Wally Martin
• Hot Karl
• D-Rac
• Holly
• Stein
• Nickelback
• Dubya
• World's Best Guy
• Hindu Harry
• The Brat Pack
• Angry Dad
• Goldie
• Laundry Pile
• Cyber-Corey
• Corey Hart
• Corey Glover
• Sean Astin
• Corey Haim
• Corky
• John Kerry
• Ricky
• Michael Caine
• Petunia R
• The Westside Whalers